Dear Hermione Part 2
by AmethystRoseMalfoy
Summary: Draco's answer to Hermione's goodbye letter. Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling, who is not me.


Dear Hermione,

I know it has been almost six months since you wrote to me, but it has taken me that long to come to terms with everything you said. I was so angry with you when I first read the letter, I tore in up and threw it away. Thank Merlin I didn't write you immediately. You would probably have come back and hexed me into oblivion. Instead of writing to you, I got drunk.

For weeks I stayed so pissed I didn't know where I was most of the time. Hannah actually charmed the doors at the Leakey Cauldron to not admit me. Blaise and Theo finally intervened and sobered me up. Theo used magic to put the letter you wrote me back together and showed it to Blaise. They took me to Blaise's home in Italy and basically locked me away from anything stronger than tea.

I didn't realize how much my friends liked you until then. They both seem to be of the opinion that I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me. Theo said the time we were together before I turned into a man-whore (Theo's word not mine) was the most content he remembered ever seeing me. And Blaise said if I didn't want you, I should have told him so he could have asked you out. And honestly, Granger, either one of them would have been better than Pucey.

I'm sorry about the way I reacted when you came to see me after you left the tosser. I shouldn't have said those things to you. If either of us is guilty of using the other one, it's definitely me. I used you as my backup plan from the time we graduated.

I guess it's time I confess everything. If you're going to hate me, you should know everything I've done. You have more reasons to hate me than you are currently aware of.

My parents wanted me to settle down and marry as soon as I graduated. They sat me down when I went home for the holidays our last year and gave me a list of acceptable witches from which they expected me to choose a wife. But I wasn't ready. I wanted time to play around, have fun. So I convinced them that I wanted to explore a relationship with you.

They didn't fight me as much as you might think they would. My mother was never as adamant about blood purity as my father. Her main concern has always been my happiness. She would prefer I was happy with a Pureblood, but ultimately, she just wants grandchildren. And I think she will accept any bride who is willing to give birth to the next generation of Malfoy's. My father required some convincing. But in the end, he saw the advantage of having a war heroine as a potential daughter-in-law. Especially the young woman who helped defeat the Dark Lord. The public loves you and Lucius needs the public to forgive his mistakes. Having you tied to the Malfoy family isn't a bad thing, regardless of the blood in your veins.

So they believed we were dating the second term of our last year in school. And when I told them I was going to France with you after graduation, they believed we would return engaged and ready to plan a wedding. My mother probably spent the summer pre-planning our wedding. Every letter I received from either of them that summer had a reference to our impending nuptials. When would we like to wed? Where would we like to hold the ceremony? Did I want Father to retrieve the Malfoy family engagement ring from the vault? It got to be too much for me. I wasn't ready to marry yet, but they wouldn't let it go.

You didn't realize at the time, but I started sleeping with other women by mid-July. It started with quick pick ups in clubs. I would notice girls watching me when we went out to a bar or club. When you would go to the ladies room I would slip out with a girl who had been eyeing me all night. I would fuck her in the alley or a supply closet. You usually thought we had just lost track of each other in the crowd. You did almost walk in on me once. We were in a Muggle club in Paris, and you went to the bar for a drink while I went to the men's room. A girl stopped me on the way and grabbed my arm and started rubbing her tits against me. I didn't push her away and she pulled me into the ladies' room. We were in the last stall when you came in and washed your hands. I saw you through the crack in the door. At that moment, I felt bad about what I was doing, and I stopped until we moved back to London.

But once we were back, my parents started pushing more. We didn't come back engaged like they hoped. And they started talking about looking into marriage contracts with some of the Pureblood families. That was when I started staying out and picking up women.

I know I didn't show it, but I did feel bad the night you caught me with that woman in the kitchen. I don't know what made me bring her home. I was usually careful with the women I picked up. I would either go back to their place or get a room somewhere. That way I could slip out when we were through and come home to you. I want you to know she was the only one I brought back to our flat while you were living there. I remember hearing you cry in the bathroom, but I didn't think it had anything to do with me.

Hermione, I am so very sorry I hurt you. I told myself at the time that we were just friends, so you had no reason to be angry or upset with me. But looking back, I think I knew you felt more than friendship. And if I'm honest, I felt more than friendship too. I loved you as my friend when we were in school, but by the time we went to Paris I had started to feel more. I was falling for you, and it scared me. When we got back to London, I realized I had not only fallen in love with you, but I needed you. You were home for me. And I believed you needed me too. Between those new feelings for you and my parents trying to marry me off, I was overwhelmed. I think screwing around with other women was my way of pushing everything away. After you moved out, I stopped trying to be discreet, I wanted people to know. If it became public knowledge how promiscuous I was, what father would want me as a son-in-law.

When you started dating Adrian, I thought you had given up on me. Then you married him, and I convinced myself that you never had real feelings for me anyway. You wouldn't have married him if you loved me. But still, I wanted you to love me. I wanted you in my life. But you stayed away from me. I really missed your presence in my life, and you know I don't deal well with feelings. The morning you flooed into my flat and found me with that witch, I was embarrassed for you to find me that way again. And I reacted very badly. I accused you of using me. I yelled at you. I knew I was hurting your feelings, but I just couldn't stop myself. Now that I know the reason you stayed away from me was because of Adrian, I feel guilty that I didn't try harder to stay close to you. Maybe I would have realized there was something wrong. Maybe you would have gotten away from him sooner.

I'm sorry I have been such a terrible friend to you. And I'm sorry you felt you had to leave London. This is your home. You should feel comfortable here. And it's my fault you don't.

I wish I could go back. There are so many things I would change. I would start by telling you how I feel about you. I would tell you about my parents marriage plans for me. Because even though I wasn't ready to marry, you have been the only woman I could picture spending my life with since we left Hogwarts. I should have been more open, more honest. I don't even know why I didn't tell you everything. At the very least, I should have told you that my parents had a change of opinion about you.

I should have told you I was falling in love with you. I should have ignored the other women and stayed faithful to you. I wonder what our lives would be like if I had. Would we be married now? Would we have a little baby Malfoy for my mother to spoil? If I close my eyes, I can picture you round with my child. And the thought doesn't scare me like it did a year ago. Spending forever with you, loving each other, seems like the greatest adventure I could imagine. I wish I had been man enough, courageous enough, to grab onto that future when I had the chance. Now the chance is gone and I'm alone, left wondering about what could have been.

Do you want to hear something funny? When you married Adrian, my father told me I had made a mistake in letting you get away. And when he heard you were divorced and moving to France, he called me a "twice damned fool for throwing away the best thing that could have happened to me". Can you believe those words came out of Lucius Malfoy's mouth? I swear to you they did.

My parents seem to have given up on finding a wife for me. At least for now. They may as well give up permanently because I just do not think I can marry one of those Pureblood princesses that were presented to me on their list of potential wives. You are still the only one I can see myself happy with, even though we haven't spoken in months.

I wonder sometimes if you would be willing to see me again. If I showed up at your door in Paris, would you turn me away? Would you be happy to see me? Or would you hex me on sight? If I begged your forgiveness, would you give it? Maybe one day I will gather my courage and come to France and find you. And if I am very lucky, you will forgive my idiocy and we can at least be friends again, if nothing else.

I know I don't have the right to ask, but I hope that someday you can forgive me for the way I have treated you. If it still means anything to you, you have my forgiveness.

While I am not expecting a letter in return, I hope to one day see you again. I hope you are happy in your new life in Paris. You deserve to be happy, even if that happiness is with someone other than me.

Love always,

Draco


End file.
